My Lord
by FantasyEmpress
Summary: Rin's love for her lord...ensuing angst and probably a happy ending, eventually. Rated M for no extreme reason, just caution since it may get a itsy bit mature here and there.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**AN: Please note, I haven't read the manga, and in the anime, I'm just to the episode "The Panther Tribe and the Two Swords of the Fang". So there's still a lot I don't know about the characters and what happens to them, and therefore my stories might have some incorrect ideas. For the first part, at least, I capitalized "He", "Him", etc, to show Rin's basic worship for Sesshomaru. **

There are no true memories, before my Angel. There are vague pictures: pictures of a man and a woman who loved me, falling to their deaths at the hands of evil men; pictures of people who told me how lucky I was even as they beat and kicked me; pictures of a tiny run down hut and a river. But my memories become startlingly clear from the moment I first saw Him.

To me, He has always been an Angel of Life. To most others, He is the Angel of Death. To me, right from the moment I saw Him, when even the Beast within Him chose not to kill me, I thought of Him as my hero, my idol, my lord. When the wolf with the wicked smile came, when his minions hunted me down, I ran into the forest, blindly, desperately seeking my Angel. He did not come.

I died still having faith, faith that He would come for me.

When He saved me, when I woke with His arm cradling me, my life began anew in more than one sense of the word. I remember Him ordering His imp vassal to dress me properly; I remember loving the soft texture of my new kimono, compared to the ragged rough old cloth I was so used to wearing. I remember walking behind Him for almost a week without a word from Him, listening to the imp chatter endlessly and mindlessly. Then, one day, He turned to me and spoke, His voice even then my favorite sound in the universe.

"I wish to know your name, girl. Tell me, if you wish. I will not force you to."

I would do anything for Him. Even speak. From the day my mother's blood ran across the floor to where I hid beneath my parent's bed, staining my kimono and mixing with my tears, I had never spoken a word. I had no words to say. My life was not worth speaking about, and the villagers reinforced that knowledge in me. At first, I had tried to speak, tried to convey my hurt in hopes of being comforted, but I was brushed off, sent to do chores, ignored, scorned. Yet here was this Angel, this Great Lord, wishing to know my name. I spoke. For him.

"My name is Rin, my Lord."

He did not smile, just tilted His head and nodded slightly.

"Rin."

From that moment on, my life changed completely. My childish innocence and joy was returned to me. The memories of my past faded, replaced with Him: with His voice; with His eyes; with the constant, soothing, swishing motion of His long hair as He walked always a little ahead of me. We walked through forests full of green, through meadows full of sunlight, along rivers full of lovely multicolored fish. He always left me when He went to the dark places; leaving me to wait for Him in happy confidence, knowing He would always come for me. No matter what evil threatened, no matter what dangers lurked, I always knew He would care for me.

I went from being the mute orphan ward of an indifferent and sometimes cruel village to being the talkative and happy resurrected ward of a cold and cunning Demon Lord. I never thought of Him as my father, nor even as my guardian. He was my Lord, always. The one I respected above all others, loved above all others.


	2. Chapter 2

I fell in love with Him, of course. At first, I loved Him as my Savior. Then, as I grew, it began to change. He was always there, always watching me. And I always loved Him, in one way or another.

When my body began to change, He ordered poor Jaken to explain to me what was happening. It is an odd thing, to see someone with greenish skin blush. I didn't particularly care; to me it all seemed natural. My Lord made my coming into womanhood seem more like a thing to be celebrated than a thing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. He didn't mention it, but I knew He could smell the blood the first time it came. I was about thirteen years of age at the time.

He, through Jaken, provided me with everything I might want and more. He gave me a new kimono to mark the occasion, and He let me have my ears pierced and ornamented me with jewels and trinkets. He let me visit His brother's home, to talk with Lady Kagome, who was much better at explaining what precisely was happening to me than Jaken was.

Lady Kagome seemed puzzled and awed by my appearance that day; swathed in dark blue silk trimmed with white, rubies dangling from my ears, matching bracelets and necklace. I remember her turning to her mate with a confused expression on her pretty face, one hand idly rubbing her child swollen belly.

"Inuyasha? Why has he dressed her up like this?"

Lord Inuyasha shrugged and twitched his ears.

"Dressing her as a woman, I guess. Letting her think she's a grownup."

Lady Kagome reached for my hand, studying the bracelet there.

"I hardly think someone gives real rubies to a girl just to let her play dress up, Inuyasha. This jewelry is worth a small fortune."

"Keh. Why you askin' me what he's up to, woman? Since when do you think I have any clue what's going on in the Ice Prince's head?"

The priestess sighed but gave her husband an affectionate look. I stayed in old Priestess Kaede's village until my first bleeding ended, enjoying the company of Lady Kagome and Lady Sango, helping Lady Kagome prepare for their child's birth, playing with the children of the demon slayer and her husband. Kohaku watched me constantly, and I was puzzled by this. He kept following me around like a lost puppy, not dissimilar to the way I followed my Lord around when I was younger. Kohaku was almost an adult, handsome and pleasant. The village girls watched him with expressions not unlike the look I saw in the mirror when I was thinking of my Lord. I didn't see how they could feel about dear Kohaku as I felt about Lord Sesshomaru. There was simply no comparison. Kohaku was nice, and fun, and sweet. But Lord Sesshomaru was dignified and cold and enigmatic; a wondrous mystery in motion. By the time my bleeding came to a stop, I was missing Him terribly.

The last night I was in the village, I could not sleep, too excited by the fact that my Lord should come for me soon, within the next two days, surely. I could hear Lady Kagome and my Lord's brother, murmuring low in their room, next to mine. I knew I should not listen, but could not seem to help myself.

"Inuyasha?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Why did he send her to us?"

"Probably because the scent of her blood got to him."

"What do you mean?"

"Keh. It's a dog thing. The scent of a bleeding woman draws our beasts. The canine part of us says that smell means a woman is in heat. It's an instinct. And Sesshomaru is hardly about to let himself mate with Rin. So he sent her here to remove himself from the temptation."

"Inuyasha!"

"What? What're you lookin' at me like that for?"

"Are you saying that whenever a woman on her period walks by you, your mind goes gutter crawling?"

"Naw. Only you do that to me, wench."

"Hmph. Did Kikyo?"

"Huh? Now that I think about it…no. At least, not after she was resurrected. I don't think her clay body was the same as a normal woman's. Once I was around her while she was bleeding, but her blood smelled strange somehow. Acidic. Burnt my nose."

"Good. You deserved a burnt nose, two-timer."

There was playfulness in her voice. They had a candle lit in their room, and with its light I could see their shadows as he rose up on one elbow, leaning over her with his long hair flowing around them in a curtain, kissing her lightly before he moved down her body to rest his head against the place where their child rested. She made a light happy sound and reached to rub his ears, and I could see his shift his head into the touch. The tenderness between them caused a sudden deep ache in my heart. Inuyasha was by day abrasive, rude, and opinionated. But with his wife, in the dim shadows of their bedroom, he was loving and caring, warm. I wondered if my Lord had a hidden softness like that, something that only the one who would be his mate would be allowed to see.

I was not surprised by what Inuyasha had said about my bleeding tempting Lord Sesshomaru's beast. I knew a fair amount about animals, since I had seen two dogs mate when I was ten.

_I watched the two creatures in puzzlement. _

"_Lord Sesshomaru, what are they doing?"_

_I think that was the only time in my life I've ever thought I may have heard Lord Sesshomaru sincerely laugh. It was just a low chuckle, barely reaching my human ears. Still, He didn't even try to hide the smirk when He turned to His retainer._

"_Jaken, explain it to her."_

_Poor Jaken nearly had a seizure, I think._

"_L-l-l-Lord Sesshomaru! Why me?!"_

_Lord Sesshomaru just kept on walking, leaving Jaken to stutter his way through a brief lesson in the beginnings of life. _

Because it had been dogs breeding, Jaken had mentioned that the females used bleeding to signal the males of their readiness to be mounted. I was not afraid of Lord Sesshomaru. I knew he would never hurt me. I also knew he would never mate me, even if I desired it. I was human, undead or not. He would never touch me. He cared for me; I knew that, despite all his chill treatment of everyone and everything. But chances were he thought of me as a daughter. Yet I knew that even if he loved me as a man loves a woman, he would never make me his. I had fallen in love with him knowing this full well, so there was little pain in the knowledge. I was happy loving him, and knowing he cared for me. I needed nothing else.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I have NO idea how to make up names that sound feasible, so I just called Inuyasha and Kagome's kid a mix of his and her brother's names. As I said before, I don't know much about what happens after the episode I'm on, so I don't know if Inuyasha ever gets that necklace thing removed or not, or if he even stays a half demon in the end (and please nobody tell me any plot spoilers, I want to enjoy it as I go). Anyway, I kept in the half-demon thing and the necklace, because I LIKE him that way. And I think I heard something about Sesshomaru eventually making Rin leave him and live in a village or some such…obviously, if that's true, I've dumped it for the sake of this story. Apologies.**

**Also, sorry that Rin is **_**so**_** OOC…it's hard to make her more grownup without losing her character…I've pretty much given up on it. **

He came for me the day after my blood stopped, the first time. Over the next two years, we fell into a pattern. When my bleeding started each month, he either sent me to visit Inuyasha and Kagome and their family or he left for a few days. Each time I went to Kaede's village, Kohaku became more insistent in his pursuit of me. I preferred the company of little InuSota, a positively adorable baby who looked exactly like Inuyasha on his human nights, except that his eyes were golden. His eyes were shaped like Lord Sesshomaru's. He also had the same magenta stripes on his wrists that adorned my beloved Lord.

I was fifteen, the first time Sesshomaru touched me in any way that might be considered more a lover's touch than a father's. It came about in this way: Kagome, despite that InuSota was still so young, was already at the end of her second pregnancy. I was spending my bleeding days with her that particular month, and her pains began the second day of my stay. Kaede and Sango were there with her, and I was fascinated by the entire thing, particularly Inuyasha's reaction. He positively panicked. He sat in the corner, on his haunches, his ears twitching furiously with every little sound Kagome made, even her laughter between the pains seeming to worry him.

It was some ten hours before things really got going, at which point I began to see that Inuyasha's anxiety was not born completely of worry for his wife's safety, but was also fear for her wrath. When her pains truly became hard and close together, she changed into something I had never seen or expected. Her eyes flashed, and even though I had no special powers of my own, I could swear I felt her aura sizzling.

"Inuyasha! This is all your fault!"

Poor Inuyasha shrunk back and flattened his ears to his head, wincing.

"But Kagome…"

"Shut up! SIT!"

The hut shook with the force of him hitting the floor. When he could rise again, instead of yelling at her as I had seen him do some times before when she sat him, he shrank back in the corner again, apparently hoping she would forget he was even there. No such luck.

"I hate you, you horny mutt! SIT! Don't you ever lay a finger on me again! SIT! You can just move in with Sango and Miroku! SIT! If you ever so much as look at me lustfully again I swear I'll…SIT! SIT! SIT!"

I winced, watching Inuyasha crash repeatedly into the floor. Poor thing. I couldn't comprehend why Kagome was being so rough on him. Everyone knew their relationship was one of mutual attraction, so why should she blame him for their breeding, when she was as much a participant as he? I could not comprehend it.

Eventually, I became bored, and uncomfortable with the entire rather unpleasant and messy affair, and went out to get some fresh air. I walked into the woods a little bit. Kaede said that it was probably going to be at least another hour before the baby came. I wanted to be there for that; it would be fascinating to watch the miracle of a new child coming into the world. For the moment, though, even Inuyasha had fled, though not far, sitting on the roof of the hut with his hands in his sleeves, listening carefully to Kagome's moans from below, obviously worried about her.

As I approached the glade in which the Bone Eaters Well stood, I pondered life's beginnings. What was it that made animals and people desire each other? How could it be that two mongrel dogs like the ones I had seen when I was ten could breed without caring in the least about each other, simply for the purpose of continuing their species; while for people like Kagome and Inuyasha breeding seemed to be some way of expressing love and affection? How was it that something which to me seemed odd and slightly repulsive could cause the smiles and winks and stolen touches between Miroku and Sango, or the more subtle gentle smiles and quiet whispers between Kagome and Inuyasha? Was it so pleasant, this odd mating ritual?

I wondered idly, if I were to marry, would I enjoy being bedded by my husband? I could not picture such a thing. I could not picture being married at all. But…blushing, I tried picturing Lord Sesshomaru touching me, and though I could not in reality imagine him doing such a thing, I was surprised at my reaction to such a thought. A strange, needy feeling built up in me, making my skin tingle, a low sort of ache building in my belly and lower. What was this? Was this the need that drew people together, some instinct which made preservation of a species enjoyable?

My thoughts were interrupted by a brief, familiar flash of light. Lord Sesshomaru appeared in front of me. I was taken aback, and my breath left me in a rush. He was really like an Angel, his long white hair blowing out in the sudden wind created by his teleportation; his golden eyes low lidded and cunning, considering; his nostrils flaring slightly as he breathed in, checking for unfamiliar or off scents. He suddenly caught his breath, and his eyes widened slightly. I almost thought he gasped. What was he doing here? He knew the normal length of my bleeding, knew it would not be over yet.

"Rin." He greeted me with a tilt of his gorgeous head. His voice sounded slightly hoarse. "I smell blood and birthing fluid. My brother's bitch is giving forth her pup, correct?"

I bowed quickly and nodded, feeling somehow bereft of speech, blushing. I had been thinking such strange, inappropriate thoughts of him, and his presence only made the tension low in my belly somehow worse. A vivid mental picture of him mating me flashed across my mind before I could stop it, and I gritted my teeth against the delicious frustration which I did not understand. Again, I heard him catch his breath in something like a gasp.

"Rin. What are you thinking?"

Flushing even brighter red, I bowed again and twisted my hands into the sleeves of my kimono.

"My lord, may I please keep my thoughts private?"

He was silent for a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded…angry.

"Is it Kohaku?"

"Wh-what?"

He looked calm as always, but his teeth were gritted lightly together.

"You smell…aroused. Is it Kohaku who you think of, who causes you to long for mating?"

I was more embarrassed than I'd ever been in my life. The only other thing I could possibly think of that came close to being this embarrassing was the time I wet in my kimono when I was seven, late in the year Sesshomaru saved me, and even then it hadn't been so bad because Sesshomaru hadn't been around, hadn't known. Only Kagome had known, and she was understanding and kind, thinking of me almost as a daughter even though I wasn't so very much younger than her. This…this went far beyond that. I must now choose between letting Sesshomaru think I ached for Kohaku, which was ridiculous, or allowing him to know that it was him I longed for. I chose the latter. Somehow I couldn't stand the thought that my lord might think I desired Kohaku.

"N-not Kohaku, my lord. I was….I was t-thinking of you."

He looked more surprised than I had ever seen him before, his eyes actually noticeably widened; his lips parted slightly, his thin eyebrows rising. He actually seemed to be at a loss for words. Then he reached out to me, with his right hand. I've always sort of preferred that arm, even after the other one was restored to him. It was his right arm he held me in when I woke after being killed. His chill hand settled against my cheek, claws lightly brushing the line of my brow while his thumb ran across my lips. Suddenly, he blinked and pulled away from me.

"I must leave, Rin. Offer my brother congratulations on the birth of his pup. I will come back for you in three days."

Then he was gone in a flash.

I was stunned. My whole body felt hot, tingling, tormented by a need I knew not how to fulfill. I trudged back to the village on slow feet. Inuyasha was gone from the roof, so I assumed the baby must be coming.

I entered the hut. I found that I had made it just in time. Within minutes, I watched wide eyed as Kagome gave birth to a little golden eyed, white haired girl with black dog ears. I was too distracted by what had happened with Lord Sesshomaru to really be amazed or disgusted by the birthing. What did catch my eye was how, holding the pup to her breast, Kagome looked up at Inuyasha, who crouched by the bed, and smiled softly as if she hadn't sat him through the floor multiple times earlier.

"A girl, Inuyasha. She's so adorable."

Inuyasha grinned, also seeming to forget his earlier trials and tribulations. He laughed happily; his rare sincere laugh, the one that made him sound like a happy little boy.

"She's hideous, Kagome, and you know it."

Kagome glared at him, but the look in her eyes was one of pure happiness and love. Suddenly, Inuyasha sat on the bed beside her and kissed her, hard. Kaede turned away with a little smile, and Sango, looking weary, heavy with her own pregnancy, turned to leave the hut. I watched Kagome and Inuyasha. Seeing them so openly express their affection was a very rare occurrence indeed. Their kiss was beyond passionate, and the churning need in my belly returned full force as I pictured Sesshomaru kissing me like that. I watched with wide eyes as Inuyasha nibbled at his wife's ear, then licked and kissed his way down her neck, dangerously close to where the baby sucked, then back up her neck to her mouth again. Despite her obvious weariness, the sweat matting her hair and shining on her skin, she responded to his ardor enthusiastically, moaning as his tongue swept from the hollow of her throat to just beneath her ear. Suddenly, however, he stopped, and I saw his amber eyes touch on me for a brief moment. Flushing, he rested his forehead against Kagome's and whispered something, then sat back down on the floor. He leaned to look at the child again, touching her black canine ears with a half smile.

I was nearly gasping for breath, the erotic display in my mind now far beyond my control as I pictured Sesshomaru and I mating with even more passion than that which sparked between Kagome and Inuyasha. Inuyasha suddenly made a strange, irritated sound. He rose in one fluid motion, stuffing his hands up his sleeves and eyeing me suspiciously.

"Rin, come with me for a minute."

Kagome was dozing off, but she opened one eye and peered at him.

"What are you up to, dog boy?"

"I just wanna talk to her for a minute."

She shrugged and closed her eye again. He watched her for a moment with a warm look in his eye, and then turned back to me. He led the way outside the hut and then turned to look at me, brows raised in silent question. After a long moment, he spoke.

"So?"

Puzzled, I blinked.

"What?"

"Care to explain why you stink of North Pole Man and your own arousal? I doubt you get excited just by watching me kiss Kagome."

Oh, this was just wonderful. First Sesshomaru, and now Inuyasha. I turned as red as a tomato and wished the ground would swallow me up.

"L-lord Sesshomaru c-came to offer his congratulations on the birth of your child. H-he had to leave right away though."

I dared peek up at my Lord's brother through the hair over my eyes, and found him looking…amused? Why, he looked downright tickled by the whole thing!

"Hah! Poor old Mr. Stuck-up Ice Lord's got all hot and bothered by a little girl! Ha ha!"

"Wh-what?"

"You're bleeding, which translates as you being in heat, _and _you stink of want. You're lucky you didn't get yourself pupped going within ten miles of him, kid, let alone a few feet. No wonder he left right away! Ha!"

I blinked. Sesshomaru…lusting? After me? I reminded myself that he was subject to the instincts of his beast, that it meant nothing, that he did not care. And yet, the idea that he could desire me as I did him was beyond delightful.

Inuyasha, still laughing, went back into the hut.


	4. Chapter 4

I was seventeen.

My lord was being pressured by other demons to mate, to carry on his great father's line. Inuyasha's children were more accepted than he himself had been as a child; the world had changed, become somewhat kinder towards part demons. Yet even then, Inuyasha's children were not applicable to be heirs of the Dog Demons. Lord Sesshomaru knew his duty, and accepted it as he had so many other duties, always doing what he thought most honorable, most befitting someone of his stature. I wondered, had Kagura been alive, if he would have taken her to mate, even with the scent of Naraku lingering about her. But she was dead and gone, and now my lord must seek out a fitting mate.

He was in love with me. Of course, it was nearly impossible to tell, but he watched me more than he used to, even when I was not bleeding. He often, through Jaken, gave me new clothes, new jewelry, anything I could want. Yet I knew that no matter how much he gave me, how much he loved me, I would never be his mate. The most I could hope for was to be a concubine; the lowly human bed-toy of the great demon lord. And I doubted my Lord would subject me to such a humiliation, not after all these years of being staunch protector; not only of my safety but also of my honor.

When my bleeding began that fateful day, he did not leave, nor did he send me away. I was shocked and frightened when he instead sent Jaken away. Did he mean to….? Surely not! I knew he would not force me, but this did nothing to calm my fear, for I truly did not know how to answer should he request my body. Always I had given him everything he desired of me, done everything he asked of me. But should he ask my body of me, I knew not how to respond. I knew I owed him my life. I knew I _wanted _him to desire me and to take me. Yet I also felt some deep wrongness in giving him all of myself when I knew he would not, _could _not, return the gift. No other man would ever want me if I bore a child outside wedlock, which was likely given the virility of demons, particularly dog demons, and especially those like Lord Sesshomaru, granted such strength and power. If I lay with him, I knew I would almost certainly bear his child; thereby tying myself to him even more than I already was; for though at that point I was his by choice, bearing his child would leave me no options. No human village, even with the growing tolerance for part-demon children, would take in a woman who not only bore a demon's child, but did so illicitly. I would have nowhere to turn except to him, and he could never make an "honest woman" out of me, so I would be a disgrace, a servant in his house, most likely. The whole thing scared me beyond reason.

My fears were, as they often have been throughout my life, unfounded. When Jaken and Ah-Un were gone, Lord Sesshomaru did not speak to me for some time, simply continued walking while my tension built. He must have sensed it, for after a time he stopped and turned to me.

"Rin. Your blood calls to my beast, but I would never harm you or force anything upon you."

I bowed deeply, grateful for his reassurance, then spent a moment gathering the bravery to question him.

"My Lord, if I may ask, what then was your intention in sending Jaken away during this time when you normally prefer I not be near you?"

He started walking again, and I assumed he did not like the question and would not give me an answer. I wondered if I ought to apologize for being curious, but he did not seem angry, just lost in thought. So I chose silence over apology, not wishing to upset him by interrupting his considerations. I was considerably surprised when he spoke.

"I have been troubled of late, and your presence soothes me. Jaken is quite the opposite." He almost shared my smile at that; Jaken certainly was irritating. "I do not wish to be parted from your calming company at this time. Soon enough, I will be denied your companionship permanently. I wish to breathe in your scent while I yet can."

I blinked, feeling slightly stunned. Never had my Lord spoken so plainly of how he felt for me; of the fact that he enjoyed my presence. But any joy at such words faded quickly when I absorbed all of what he had said.

"My Lord? What do you mean, that you will be denied my companionship? I have no desire to leave you, unless that is what you wish of me."

He sighed heavily and motioned for me to sit on a nearby log, before he perched on a large boulder and looked at me, calm as always, yet appearing somewhat troubled.

"There are not many demon women, Rin, who my allies and my people think worthy of me. However, one of my vassals has recently found a suitable mate for me; a Dog Demon princess from the continent. Many of the remaining Dog tribes are interlinked with my own, and therefore not suitable for mating. This tribe is not related to mine, however, which makes their princess perhaps the only suitable mate for me. However, it is well known that you travel with me, as you know, and many Demons disapprove of this. The princess' father is one of those who dislike my traveling with a human. He has said that he will only grant me his daughter to mate if I put you aside and send you back to your own kind. I am not pleased with this, Rin, but it is my duty. You will go to live with my brother and his family. That is why I have sent Jaken away and not you. He has gone to inform InuYasha of my decision, but I wished to keep you near me. I wish to savor your company these last days, for you must leave me soon."

Fighting back tears, I tried to act as I knew he would want me to; strong and steadfast. Yet my voice betrayed me, wobbling dangerously.

"H-how s-s-soon?"

He was silent for a long moment; then he did something I would never have imagined. He held out his hand to me, and when I approached him he drew me down onto his lap. He had never held me before; not unless he was saving me from one dire fate or another. I was both stunned and delighted by this sudden uncharacteristic gesture. He wrapped his long arms lightly around me and tucked his gorgeous clawed hands into his sleeves. His embrace was light and loose. Next to my ear he sighed softly. Then he spoke, his voice unusually heavy.

"Ten days, Rin."

I couldn't help myself then. I fisted my hands into the luxurious silk of his clothing and sobbed like a little girl.


	5. Chapter 5

I was twenty years old. A verified old maid; Kaede and the other old women had long given up on making a match for me. Kagome had never even tried in the beginning; she understood. She was my best friend. She held me when I cried on the night of Lord Sesshomaru's mating, my heart breaking with the knowledge that he held the continental princess in his arms. She was the only one who understood my agony when news of the new heir was spread far and wide. She was the only one who totally accepted my choice not to wed. There had been no lack of suitors at my door; yet though others called me beautiful, all I could think when I looked in the mirror was "_Not good enough. Weak. Mortal." _My only comfort came in the knowledge that my former lord _had _cared for me, at least a little. He had probably even been in love with me. But he had chosen duty over love; a noble choice, I supposed, but hardly the stuff of which great romances are written.

Surprisingly enough, after I got over the misery of constantly seeing his white hair and amber eyes, I found a great deal of comfort in InuYasha as well. Certainly he was not the sympathetic, understanding friend that his wife was, but his rough brand of caring was endearing in a way. The children were both a comfort and a renewed pain, for their quarter-demon appearances were fairly similar to what my children would have looked like, had I been allowed to bear my lord's pups. They made my heart ache in a bittersweet way.

I had not seen Lord Sesshomaru since he left me in Kaede's village. I remembered everything about him, though, no matter how much time passed. Some days, I could almost go without thinking about him. But the less I thought of him in waking hours, the more I dreamt of him at night. I always woke up crying, alone in the little hut I'd been given, with only the darkness and the shadows for company. It was strange…as long as I'd been with him, I hadn't needed his love to be happy; just loving him and being with him was enough. Now, I couldn't bear the thought that he might not even remember me. Maybe he had learned to love his mate; and that was as it should be; yet it broke my heart. Couldn't he have shown me some sign that he at least remembered me? Couldn't Jaken at least have come to see me? The imp had been special to me too. I missed them both, though one infinitely more than the other. Why had they cut off all contact? Had the princess' father been so severe in his demands? Surely almost three years should have lessened the pain, but instead it only seemed to get worse. On his mating anniversaries, I spent all day in my hut sobbing, as I did on his son's birthdays.

I hated his mate with all the malice in my once carefree being. I had never even met her; yet the rumors of her beauty and power drove me to the first true hatred I had ever felt. She had everything; beauty, power, wealth, prestige, but worst of all, she had _him _and she had born him a son; a purebred Dog Demon. She had done what I could never possibly do, even if I had lain with him. Any child I could have born him would be _hanyou_, half breed, lowly in the eyes of all demons. The son she had given him, however, was already being hailed as the perfect heir. And as if all that was not cause enough for me to hate her, I could not rid myself of the knowledge that she was his bedmate. I had longed to experience physical mating with him just as much as I had longed to be his lifemate. I hated the knowledge that while I lay awake on my lowly pallet, shedding lonely tears in the night, he was as likely as not making love to her on some luxurious futon.

Worse and worse it got; until by the third month of my twentieth year I was contemplating whether it might not simply be easier to rid myself of this miserable existence. But I knew that would hurt those who cared about me, and I had no desire to cause anyone pain. So I trudged through life wearily.

A brief bright spot came when Kagome announced her third pregnancy; the first two had been very close together and she had, through some unknown means probably relating to the strange era she had been born in, prevented herself from becoming pregnant again until lately. She was delighted, as were InuYasha and the older children, and their exuberant joy spilled over onto me. I was also delighted when they requested I take Shippo in for a while, seeing as InuYasha wanted to add another room to their now rather substantial home, and it meant doing some work on the room in which Shippo normally slept. Because he was a demon, Shippo seemed about twelve even though he may even be older than me; and we had developed a certain sort of sister/brother relationship. I was delighted to have someone staying with me; it eased the loneliness, and I was glad it was Shippo, as I was still more comfortable in the company of demons than in that of humans.

Kohaku's first child, a daughter, was born early in Kagome's pregnancy. About another three months later Sango welcomed her fifth (and last, she adamantly declared with a glare at her husband) child into the world as well. So much life, so much joy, nearly erasing my own sorrows. In the last days before Kagome gave birth, however, sorrow struck in the form of old Kaede's death. It was a happy sort of passing, as happy as such a thing can be. All of her living loved ones were gathered round her; and she had lived much longer than the norm anyway. She passed on with a smile on her wrinkled old face. The baby's birth three days later eased the emptiness left by the old woman; though the village would never truly seem the same without her, I knew. InuYasha and Kagome didn't have trouble thinking of a name for their new daughter. A new Kaede to at least fill part of the gap left by the old.

That summer was a time of relative joy. I could almost forget my aching heart when I held one of the babies in my arms or played the card games Kagome had taught us in the evenings with the other adults. Then, as autumn fell, my world crashed down again.

InuYasha entered the house as usual; loudly and boisterously. He grabbed Kagome and kissed her lightly, then picked up Eri and sat her on his shoulders, batting her hands away from where they instinctively reached for his ears. He must not have seen me sitting in the corner holding little Kaede, for I doubt even InuYasha would have been as insensitive as to say what he did if he'd know I was there.

"Hey, Kagome, guess what!"

Rolling her eyes at his boyishness, she laughed at him a little.

"What?"

"Seems like I'm going to be an uncle again. The announcement was made a couple of days ago. Shippo just heard it from a wandering imp who was up at the estate lately to report to Jaken. Man, it irritates me that Sesshomaru doesn't tell us these things himself, or at least send Jaken. We've always sent someone to let him know when you're pregnant. Maybe he's too preoccupied with that princess of his to spare any time."

A choked sob slipped from my throat. InuYasha spun and swore when he saw me, realizing too late what he'd done, a split second before Kagome "sat" him. I fled while he was on the ground, running back to my own hut to sob helplessly, alone. Eventually Kagome came and just sat with me, wrapping her arms around me. Finally, I found my voice, ragged though it was.

"I thought….I hoped maybe he just lay with her to produce an heir….but….but they already have a son…so if she's pregnant again…it must mean he loves her…."

"Oh, Rin. It doesn't necessarily mean that, but even if it does, wouldn't you rather he be happy? He's mated to her either way. Wouldn't you rather he love her and be happy than be forced to go through life with someone he dislikes?"

In that moment, all the weight of the world came crashing down on me, with the realization that maybe he truly did love her, and maybe I was being evil for wishing her sorrow: and with the realization that I had truly lost him; lost my savior, my protector, my friend, my love. He had forgotten me. That was the moment I resolved that I could not longer live with the pain.

When I finally convinced Kagome that I was alright, and she went back to her house, I drew out the dagger Lord Sesshomaru had once given me as a means of protecting myself if he were absent, and studied its sharp blade in the dim light of the crescent moon seeping in through the windows. Tonight it would all end.


	6. Chapter 6

In the dark hours of the night he allowed himself to take to the skies, quickly covering distances which would take weeks for mortals to walk, drawn, always, by the scent which most called for him. He lingered near the tiny crude dwelling in which she resided, hating how he had been forced to give her up to this; this low, poor life, when always he had wished to give her the best things, the finest things. Now he gave her nothing, not even his presence, which he knew she even now longed for. So often he smelled the salt of her tears, heard her sobbing and low tearful whispers of his name in the night, his sharp senses hearing every mournful sound she hid from her friends and neighbors.

He hated himself for this weakness. It was below him to lurk in shadows. And it was far, far below him to lurk in shadows merely to breathe in the scent of a mortal, when by all rights he should be at his estate, with the smell of his mate, his heir, and his unborn pup lingering around him. He knew his mate knew of these ventures, knew she could smell the vague taint of human on him when he returned, but never was it strong enough to suggest he had actually interacted with mortals, and for that cause she wisely did not mention his nighttime absences.

Given the fertility of dog demons, he had not been forced to lay with his mate often before she had conceived and born him a son. From that time, he had refrained from going to her bedchambers at night, preferring rather to sleep alone, or simply sit on the balcony outside his room staring into the night sky, pushing away the longing for _her_: for the days when a little girl followed him around, one bright warm spot in his cold, dark life; for the days when an awkward, gangly adolescent girl tripped over her too-long legs and puzzled over her changing body; for the days when awkwardness sprouted into lithe beauty and grace, and his heart slowly shifted from the affection of a caretaker for his ward into the love of a man for his woman.

Normally, three years would have been to him not much more than three days. Time did not pass for him the same way it did for mortals. Yet these three years since his mating had been the longest in his life. He distanced himself from his faithful vassals even more than he had before, and had never been close to his mate. Of late he had seen the dissatisfaction, the restlessness, in her eyes. He had suspected she might take a lover, in which case he would be forced to kill both her and her consort to regain his honor. And, though it shamed him terribly, in the darkest recesses of his soul he knew he would have been glad of the excuse to be rid of her. Instead of finding someone else to amuse and satisfy her, however, the abominable female had seduced his beast. No easy task, given his years of practice with controlling his more feral side. Yet her defiance had forced him to subdue her, and her submission, along with the long ignored needs of his body, had compelled him to take her. When he'd come back to himself he had stormed from her chambers, and had not spoken to her since. The scent of the newly conceived pup was more sickening than it was pleasing. He would accept the child, of course, for it was no fault of the babe's that its mother was a conniving wench.

His heir was a source of great pride to him, yet the boy was still young enough that he spent most of his time with his mother and the women of the court, and he was becoming something of a spoiled brat, which irritated his father to no end. No matter, though. In a few years he would call in the best tutors, both of physical and mental skills, to ensure the boy became a demon of quality, not some pathetic mongrel clinging to his mother's kimono.

He wrenched his thoughts back to the present, scenting lightly the smell of Rin's tears. And something else. A strange mix of fear and determination lingered in her scent. He could smell something else, an object…it was vaguely familiar for some reason. He suddenly recalled the scent of the dagger he had given her long ago as a means of protecting herself. It had been a pretty little thing, but very sharp, its main purpose to cause death, not pleasure to the eye. This worried him. Her scent reminded him people he had seen die; the ones who had accepted death calmly, with only a mild fear in their scents. Something was not right here.

He couldn't believe he was lowering himself to this. He growled irritably to himself as he moved to peer in the dim window. He was careful to ensure he looked in the one behind her. She was sitting on the floor. So beautiful. It occurred to him that this was the first time he had actually looked at her in three years. She was lovely. But too thin, and there was a sad look about her. His mind quickly bypassed her looks though, as he spotted her turning the dagger over in her hands. She was whispering to herself, he realized.

"How should I…I don't want it to hurt too much…I wonder what the best way to do it is…maybe…maybe I just shouldn't do it at all…No! I can't take it anymore…I'm not staying in this world…"

Fear…an almost completely foreign emotion…welled up inside him. She meant to…to take her own life? He debated quickly what to do. He could not show himself to her…that would only worsen the pain for both of them. He glanced around him and noticed a light coming from his brother's house. Rin didn't seem to have any intention of harming herself within the next few moments, so he turned and walked towards InuYasha's dwelling.

…

Kagome leant to kiss little Kaede's soft head as the baby slept peacefully. She still felt a deep ache in her heart for the loss of the old woman her youngest child had been named for. Old Kaede had been her mentor, her friend, her midwife, and in some ways had even taken the place of Kagome's mother who she could never see again. She sighed deeply.

Warm arms wrapped around her from behind, and she nestled herself into her husband's loving arms. Life was so good, despite the sorrow of the old lady's death. Their life was so full of joy. The children; Shippo, InuSota, Eri, and Kaede, as well as Kohaku's daughter and Sango and Miroku's five children, were a source of constant delight. InuYasha had built the house from a small hut into a large dwelling which almost resembled some of the smaller houses in the era Kagome had been born in. Many of the villagers had followed that example, and the town was growing, thriving.

Kagome's only real worry was Rin. Especially after the news today that Sesshomaru's mate was expecting again. Rin had sobbed for a good long while…but then a strange, disturbing calm had settled over her, and she had assured Kagome she was alright and practically shooed her away. It worried the older woman greatly. Something was very wrong…but she could not decide what exactly. She thought of going back over to see Rin again and assure herself the girl was alright, but didn't want to wake her if she was already asleep.

Pushing her worries aside, she leant up to kiss InuYasha softly, reveling, as always, in the warmth of his arms around her, and his soft, loving nature which he so often hid from all others.

A soft but firm knock sounded upon the door in the next room. Looking at each other in puzzlement as to who might be knocking at this time of night, they headed towards the door. Kagome opened it and bit back a gasp.

"Sesshomaru?!"

He cocked on eyebrow at her and nodded politely. InuYasha moved forward.

"What are you doing here, Sesshomaru? It's been three years since we've even heard from you, let alone seen you!"

There was a strange look, Kagome thought, in her brother-in-law's eyes. He looked…worried? And somehow guilty, too, like a lad forced to admit he'd had his hand in the cookie jar.

"My business required I pass by this village this evening. As I walked along the outskirts, I happened to hear a voice and stopped to listen…Rin was speaking to herself…It seems she is contemplating taking her own life. I can not speak to her myself, due to the conditions of my mate's father. So I came here thinking you might wish to stop her, Kagome."

Kagome didn't speak a word before hurrying out the door. InuYasha considered following her but knew that he would be of little assistance. Besides, he was very interested in the holes in Sesshomaru's story.

He watched his older half-brother with interest. Sesshomaru's whole body was tense. His seemed to have each of his senses strained in one direction; InuYasha guessed he was tracking Kagome's progress through the village while also carefully scenting for the smell of Rin's blood.

"Sesshomaru..." The older man responded with a harsh glare.

"Silence."

Irritated, InuYasha crossed his arms and waited. After a long moment, Sesshomaru shifted and seemed to relax without really adjusting his usual upright stance. InuYasha spoke again.

"Did Kagome get to her?"

"Yes. She's gotten the knife away from her."

InuYasha cocked a brow at the youkai.

"So, Sesshomaru, since when do you walk through our village on business this late at night? Seems to me that you could get where you're going a lot faster by flying. And how'd you know she had a knife?"

"My business and means of travel are none of your affair. As for the knife, I gave it to her some years ago, and recognized its scent."

"Uh-huh. Sure. And what do you think might have driven her to suicide, Sesshomaru?"

Sesshomaru glared.

"It's your fault, you know. She loved you with her everything, still does after all this time. And you chose some ridiculous duty over her. She was starting to recover. She made herself think that maybe you didn't love your mate, maybe you really were just doing a duty, but then you got your bitch pregnant again, and Rin assumed you must love her to have slept with her when you already have an heir. So she decided to kill herself."

"I seem to recall you once choosing your duty to that priestess over Kagome. You have no right to speak, half-breed."

"But I chose Kagome in the end, didn't I? I didn't let it get to the point where Kagome tried to commit suicide late at night with only darkness and tears for company."

InuYasha could scarce believe the reaction he got. Sesshomaru rested his forehead against the doorjamb and sighed heavily, his shoulders actually slumping.

"I had not thought…that she would cling to her childish emotions for such a long time. I do not wish her harm or sorrow. Yet there is no different way to go about it. I must stay with my mate and pups, and she must stay here with you. This is my duty, to our clan, InuYasha."

"Sesshomaru? Are you saying that if it weren't for duty, you would have taken her as your mate?"

Sesshomaru closed his eyes and seemed about to speak, but Kagome came bursting in the door, barreling into her brother-in-law and nearly falling over. Sesshomaru growled quietly at the mortal woman as he lightly gripped her arms and set her upright. He was irritated that she would be so clumsy as to run into him, but was too wearied and sorrowful to react in anger and end up fighting with InuYasha. Sesshomaru and InuYasha both winced at the anger in Kagome's eyes a second before she stood on tiptoes in a failed attempt to get right in Sesshomaru's face and began chewing him out.

"You jerk! How could you?! This is all your fault! I understand your call to do your duty, but you could have at least come to visit! You could have at the very least sent Jaken to see her, just to let her know you remembered her! You are going to see her tonight, mister, whether you like it or not, and I don't give a dang about your father-in-law's opinion!"

Sesshomaru blinked at her, startled. InuYasha's ears were flattened to his head as if at any moment he expected her fury to be undeservedly redirected onto him.

"I'm bringing Rin here. InuYasha, don't let Sesshomaru leave. Restrain him with force if you have to. I'll be right back."

She stormed out the door, head held high. Even Sesshomaru looked relieved at her absence.

"Little brother, your bitch needs a lesson in manners."

InuYasha normally would have picked a fight over such a remark, but Kaede fussed, her mother's rant probably having awakened her, so he let his elder brother's remark slide by as he went to retrieve the baby. Coming back, he shoved the baby at Sesshomaru, fighting back a grin.

"Here. You haven't met this one yet. Her name is Kaede."

It was as good a way as any to distract the older man and keep him from leaving. He took the child with all the calm skill he applied to everything else. InuYasha irritably wondered if there was anything that didn't come naturally to Sesshomaru. Well…considering this mess with Rin, maybe he could at least cross "love" off the list of his half-brother's accomplishments.

Sesshomaru took in the child with mild curiosity. He knew he should leave…knew that if he encountered Rin, his mate would smell her on him, even if he didn't touch her. Just being close to her would be enough. And there would be hell to pay. Yet he just wanted to see her, once, for a short period. His bitch was mated to him, no matter what her father might say, and it was him she would obey, as was her duty. She would not leave him no matter how her father ranted and raved.

The baby looked like Kagome. None of her features, at first glance, suggested her demon heritage. Then suddenly she wrapped her little hand around one his fingers and drew blood with her tiny claws. He winced slightly and offered the babe back to her father, licking away the blood, feeling no need to act anything less than the dog demon he was in his brother's presence.

"The small bitch is like her mother…with claws."

InuYasha smiled wryly as he settled the baby in his arms. The door opened again…this time Sesshomaru moved several paces away…and Kagome came in, leading Rin behind her. Kagome didn't even look at Sesshomaru, just left Rin standing by the doorway, grabbed InuYasha by the sleeve, and tugged him out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Sesshomaru was barely aware of his brother and sister-in-law leaving the room. He was too lost in the sight and scent of Rin. She was slightly taller than when he had last seen her; but she was thin, too thin, pale and frail looking. She was still beautiful, with her big brown eyes and shining black hair, soft pink lips and natural curves. But he hated that her eyes were duller than he had ever seen them. They used to positively glow with happiness and carefree innocence. Now she looked like her world had fallen down around her. And he supposed it had. He knew he had been her world…and he had left her, broken her heart. And he had broken his own heart in the process.

She kept her gaze trained on the floor, refusing to look him in the eye. It reminded him vaguely of a moment when she was a child; he had been gone somewhere, and she had, while he was gone, cut off half of Ay-Un's mane. Jaken had ranted and scolded and assured her of their master's deadly ire upon his return. So he had come back to an outraged imp, a shorn dragon, and a little girl who would not look him in the eye. He used the same tone and words now as he had then.

"Rin. Look at me."

It was a command, but softly spoken, gentle. Slowly, she brought her eyes to his. Tears ran down her cheeks unabashedly. She took a faltering step towards him and reached out with one hand…then stopped short.

"What is it, Rin?"

She swallowed hard.

"I wanted…I want to run to you, my Lord. But I cannot. Your mate…she would know if you touched me, even in kindness, would she not?"

His heart ached. Even now, even after all he had put her through, she still thought of him first.

He stepped forward and took her hands, wishing with everything in him that he had not chosen duty over what this sweet girl could have offered him.

"It doesn't matter, Rin."

He pulled her into his arms.

She shook like a leaf in a gale, holding back sobs. He tugged her even closer and allowed himself the immense pleasure of burying his face in her hair, breathing in her soft scent, silently urging her with his tight embrace to cry, to let it go, to stop fighting the tears.

As if she had heard his unspoken wish, she began to cry, sobbing out three years of hurt. He sank to the floor, sitting cross legged and pulling her into his lap, holding her tightly, like she was still the hurting orphan girl he had raised. He should have held her more often when she was little, he thought. He should have been more of a father to her; for maybe if she had thought of him as her father, and he had seen her as a daughter, this pain would not exist. But it had never been that way. She had been his ward, not his daughter; there was nothing to keep him from wanting her…from… loving her… once she reached a certain age. And she, he knew, had never seen him as her father, either.

What a fool he had been. Every chance at happiness he'd ever had, he'd let slip by. Kagura…a deep sorrow filled his heart at her memory. He had loved her, too, at least to some degree, though it had not been this intense. Yet he had lost that chance because of his foolish hatred for the scent of Naraku and the knowledge that she was a part of his hated enemy. Now she was gone. And it was not only romance which he had let slip away. How many years had he wasted on a foolish hatred for his brother over something that was their father's choice? Even now, though they had developed an almost friendly relationship, there was a wall between them. And now, Rin…lost because of his devotion to duty. How had he, who had once despised humans above anything else, fallen so deeply for this tiny human woman? He, who had despised his father so for doing exactly the same thing?

He thought of how his father had abandoned his mother in favor of Izayoi. Thought of how the entire story could repeat itself, if he let it. He could cast off his mate, take Rin to wife, and have hanyou children who would be despised and hated by his youkai children. He had never fully understood his father, until this moment; holding a human woman in his arms, torn between duty and love more than ever before.

"Rin?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

Her voice quaked and her eyes were red and she still had tears running down her face, but she still found it in her to address him respectfully. She was so very adorable, so very selfless and polite and sweet.

"Rin, always you have done whatever I asked of you, unquestioningly and faithfully. This time, however…it is you who may choose my way for me. If you wish…If you wish it, I will follow in my father's footsteps, and discard my mate, and take you as wife. If that is not what you want, then I will leave again…but no longer will I cut off all contact from you; I shall send Jaken or another vassal regularly to see how you fare and to pass letters and messages between us. It is your choice, Rin. For once, my destiny is in your hands, not the other way around."

Her eyes got wide, and for a brief moment, he again saw the joy that had once been constant in those gorgeous brown orbs. Her whole being seemed to light up; but it did not last long. A moment later she slumped against him.

"I…I cannot do it, Milord. I can not ask you to do this thing. It would likely cause a war with your mate's tribe. It goes against everything you are. Your mate's children would hate my children. I can not. I will not let you betray yourself for me. Marrying a human is beneath you, Milord, and I have always known that. That you care enough for me to even consider it is enough…it must be enough. Please…go, Lord Sesshomaru. It hurts too much to have you here."

Though internally his heart felt like it shattered, he kept his outward calm as he rose slowly, standing her lightly in front of him.

"Very well…Goodbye, Rin."

He laid his hand on the door-latch, now wishing only to get away from the pain, from Rin. Yet her sweet, shaking voice halted his steps.

"My Lord…"

He felt her approach him, though he didn't turn…she laid a hand on his forearm and for a brief moment he wondered if she'd changed her mind.

"Milord…there is one request…one small thing I wish you might grant me…"

He took her hand and looked into her eyes and for once let someone see his heart, his pain, his love…not forcing his eyes into their usual cold indifference.

"Anything, Rin. Anything you desire."

She stood on tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck and whispered, tears streaming down her flushed face.

"One kiss…just one kiss, please."

Her scent was so close, so sweet, wrapping around him gently. He pulled her close to him and for a long moment just held her…wishing it could always be this way…wishing for so many things that could not be. Finally he brought one clawed hand to her face, tilting her chin up, and very softly kissed her lips. Though he had at times, in his lonely nights on his balcony, wondered what he mouth might taste like, were he to delve inside and explore it thoroughly, there was none of that now. He did no more than let his lips rest against hers…too full of sorrow to be drawn into passion. Eventually he moved his lips up her cheek to rest on her forehead, kissed her lightly there, and finally admitted what was in his heart.

"I love you, Rin."

And then he was gone, into the night, back to his cold loveless life, with only the memory of her soft lips to warm him.

Rin slumped to the floor and cried, Kagome eventually appearing to comfort her. Her tears, however, were not so much tears of sorrow at what she had lost as they were tears of joy at what she had gained: the knowledge that her beloved lord loved her.


End file.
